IMPORTANT CHANGES TO DIVORCE LAW

Divorce based upon "irreconcilable differences" is now available in New Jersey. As of March 9, 2007 a divorce can now be granted based upon "irreconcilable differences which have caused the breakdown of the marriage for a period of six months and which make it appear that the marriage should be dissolved and that there is no reasonable prospect of reconciliation." (N.J.S.A. 2A:34-2(i)) This has been a long-awaited change in our legislation that eliminates the need for spouses to allege particularized acts of extreme cruelty which only added to the cost and unnecessary acrimony of divorce proceedings, and avoids the older no-fault cause of action which required an 18-month physical separation before filing for divorce. The new cause of action brings a new level of civility and practicality to marital dissolution in New Jersey.

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WHAT NOT TO DO
Important Lessons to Help Your Family Survive a Divorce
By Mary Ann Romans

There is no doubt that divorce, no matter how equitable, is traumatic for children.

"Volumes of research have been devoted to the impact of divorce on the mental health of the child" says Stuart L. Kurlansik, Ph.D., a psychologist with the Rittenhouse Psychology Group in Philadelphia, PA., and the Tatem-Brown Family Practice Center in Voorhees, N.J.

According to Kurlansik, how parents behave and the actions they take can directly affect the negative impact the divorce has on their children. "It is important to be aware of the more destructive behaviors in which parents can engage," says Kurlansik, who also teaches at the West Jersey-Memorial Family Practice Residency. "Parents who display appropriate sensitivity to the needs of their children can reduce the fallout from the divorce, aid in the child's adjustments and promote healing."

According to experts, to make the divorce transition as healthy as possible, here are the three most important behaviors parents should absolutely avoid during the divorce.

Don't Badmouth the Other Parent

"To say something negative about your spouse is to say something negative about your child," says Lanette Rozier LCSW, a family therapist in Howell, NJ"A great deal of the child's self-esteem is tied up in their parents," she says.

Judith Feldman MSW,LCSW, a family therapist in Marlton NJ, agrees, "Children's genealogy is made up of half of you and half of the other parent. Remember that you are saying terrible things about half of them - this kids has half of those genes."

Even if your child does not share genes, as in the case of adoption, badmouthing is still a bad idea. "A child's parents are the most important people in his or her life," says Jake Theiessen, Ph.D., a marriage and family therapist in Mechanicsburg, Pa. "Treat your ex with the same respect you would give your child's most prized possession or best friend. You don't have to play with your child's favorite toy or best friend, but you are obligated to treat those objects of love respectfully. You do this because you love your child … not because you love his or her favorite toy or best friend."

"To the best of their ability, the parents should try to maintain a cordial relationship with one another following the separation and divorce," Kurlansik says. "It is never productive to be 'at each other's throat.' [It] only adds to the child's doubts, confusion and anxiety to hear or to see this behavior."

Although it may seem obvious not to vent about your spouse or ex-spouse to your children, experts say that in practice it can be difficult to avoid. "I think that sometimes the animosity and hurt that are part of the divorce can cloud the judgment," Rozier says. "Do all of your difficult conversations without the children present," Feldman suggests.

Don't Put Children in the Middle

"The biggest problem children have in divorce is split loyalty," Feldman says. She advises parents to be careful not to put children in the middle in a divorce. "Don't expect your child to take sides," she says. "You should expect your child to remain loyal to the other parent."

According to Feldman, many parents ask their kids to call the other parent to set up visitation schedules and other arrangements, and this is a behavior they should avoid. "Don't make children your means of communicating. Parents need to communicate directly with each other and be the decision makers," she says. "Don't put [children} in charge of the family. Children should not choose who to spend the holidays with or make other major [family] decisions."

"Parents should never make the child an intermediary," Kurlansik says. That is, they should not ask the child to be a messenger between the parents when one parent doesn't want to speak directly with the other.

Many experts emphasize that it is important to allow the child to maintain her sense of family and not force her to choose one side over the other. "Understand that your child's definition of 'family' includes both his or her parents. Although you may not feel like 'family' with your ex, support your child's efforts to include all of you in his or her definition," Theiessen says. "Refrain from making your child choose one family over the other. Look for ways to expand your definition rather than limit it, so as [not] to exclude people important to your child."

"In a divorce, a person not only divorces a spouse but often divorces the spouse's family. The children usually lose contact with the extended family of the non-custodial parent and it equals another loss for the child," Rozier says. "It is important to make an effort to maintain those relationships. They are part of [the child's] history, and they have a right to know it."

Feldman says that other harmful ways of putting a child in the middle include depending on a child as a confidant or support system, or using them as a means of information. "Don't rely on info [about the other parent] you get through children. Don't grill them," she says.

Kurlansik agrees. "It is important that the child not be privy to adult matters; just as children should not be exposed to material on television or movies that is beyond their years, the parents should not provide information about the adult relationship (infidelity, sexual issues, etc.) that is inappropriate for a child to know."

Don't Relax Discipline

"Many parents think they need to back off on discipline because they think, 'well, my child is going through a lot right now.' That is one of the worst things you can do," Rozier says. "Don't change your routine. Don't allow the child to manipulate you because you feel guilty. Don't buy the child extra things or allow the child to behave inappropriately."

Theiessen cautions parents against indulging a child at the expense of themselves. "Maintain a healthy balance between your needs and your child's needs. Every child benefits from a happy parent. Pay attention to balancing your life as a parent with your life as a production adult," says Theiessen. "Attending to your child's needs to the exclusion of your own will place the burden of your happiness on your child."

"Stick to your story," Feldman advises parents who may be inclined to relax the rules.

Maintaining discipline can be difficult, especially when the child is splitting her time between homes.

"Even though the child spends time in two homes, the parents need to continue to 'speak with the same voice' regarding limits and discipline," Kurlansik says. "House rules should be similar, if possible. If values are so dissimilar that this can't occur, it should be carefully explained to the child that the homes have different rules, and not that one house is right while the other is wrong."

The good news is that with careful behavior, parents can positively affect the impact of the divorce on their children. "It is important to know that given time, love and appropriate adult behavior, children are usually quite resilient and can 'weather the storm' well in spite of the difficult circumstances in the family," Kurlansik says. "If both parents strive to put the child first, and capitalize on the strengths that each brings t the table, they maximize the likelihood that the child will successfully adjust to the new arrangement."

Should You or Shouldn't You Date?

Should a parent date new people while going through a divorce? There are many opinions out there, from your mother's to your barber's. Judith Feldman, MSW, LCSW, a family therapist in Marlton, NJ, offers her expert opinion. She says there is nothing wrong with dating, but parents should keep one important thing in mind:

"Do not bring people to meet the children unless you are on the very verge of a serious committed relationship," Feldman says. "If you are bringing new people home on a regular basis, [the children] are going to learn not to get attached, because they think the new person will be leaving soon."

Products Worth a Look

"Child Friendly Divorce: A Divorce(d) Therapist's Guide to Helping Your Children Thrive" by Diane M. Berry, M.S.W. (Blue Waters Publications, 2004). For most children, divorce is a time of crisis. Their lives are changing in ways they can neither understand nor control and they often are pulled in many directions. This book faces some of the more difficult issues families encounter and offers ways not only to survive those moments but also to grow from them. Includes what to watch for, co-parenting schedules, new partners and much more.

"Ex-Etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After a Divorce or Separation" by Jann Blackstone-Ford and Sharyl Jupe (Chicago Review Press, 2004). Confronting the post-divorce family head on, this book offers advice and suggestions about many of the difficult roads ahead. The authors believe it is possible for divorced families to embrace positive relationships and that children can still be raised in a harmonious family.

"Taking the 'Duh' Out of Divorce" ($14.99) This DVD from Trevor Romain offers humor, compassion and practical advice about a difficult subject. Developed for ages 6-12, Romain's program accepts that divorce is sad for everyone but that kids should never blame themselves. Life goes on and their parents will always love them. The DVD comes with an activity-filled resource guide. More information at www.TrevorRomain.com.

"Happily Married with Kids - It's NOT Just a Fairy Tale" by Carol Ummel Lindquist, Ph.D. (Berkley Publishing Group, 2004). Parents quickly learn all things change when a child is brought into a family. But that doesn't mean things have to be bad, stressful and create trouble. This book seeks to show how to combat some of the negatives couples can feel and how to find their way back to happier lives and families.

"The 100 Simple Secrets of Happy Families: What Scientists Have Learned and How You Can Use It" by David Niven, Ph.D. (Harper San Francisco, 2004). Even though most people say family is the most important thing in life, divorce rates continue to climb. What can be done to make family life happier? This book boils down the most important family studies of the last 10 years into findings and suggestions everyone can understand. From expectations to money to the family pet, learn ways to make family life better.

Mary Ann Romans is a freelance writer from Aldan, Pa.
Reprinted with permission from
South Jersey Parents Express - November 2005
www.parents-express.net