Family Law Articles |
Divorce without remorse
The Way to a Healthy Divorce - By Paula Susan
Once upon a time, the two of you looked deeply into each other’s eyes. There was a powerful limbic (brain) connection that both excited and calmed you. You believed you found your life’s partner, the person you could trust and love and who would love you in return. You were on the highest “high” – your mind and body were impacted by the oxytocin (chemical) that inflames passionate desire for being together.
Somewhere in the course of "real life" you began to both feel and create distance. You no longer felt safe to speak your truth, and the intimacy began to wither away. This lack of intimate connection damaged the bond. The unfulfilled expectations of an earlier romantic time filled you with resentment. The couple you once were no longer exists.
The pain and adversarial path to ending marriage typically leaves battered souls and financial and emotional carnage in its wake. It impacts so many people, such as spouses, children, families of origin (three generations), employers, business associates, co-workers, and others); has major financial repercussions; and challenges physical and mental health and spiritual peace for the parties and their children who will carry the scars as well. The latest brain research indicates that the neural pathways of each person involved will continue to hold the negative energy from the unhappy union and the trauma of the divorce experience.
If you do not understand the dynamics between the two of you which destroyed what you once had, you will invariably bring your unconscious patterns and unresolved anger into the divorce process and carry it into the rest of your life, and into each new relationship into which you may enter. Your perceptions of self and the world will forever be tainted. The divorce will not serve you - will not magically make your life and choices better! If you don't do the work, you will unconsciously recreate the past.
We are the sum of every moment of our lives. Through the social rules of our families, we learned a specific way to relate to the world. We unconsciously replicate aspects of that beginning in our choices--in the way we love, in our responses to life. This is the opportunity to clean it all up.
As a trauma and relationship specialist, I encourage you to heal the anger with your partner before you legally leave the marriage. Use the experience to understand the dynamics that were co-created by the two of you. "Falling out of love" is an excuse not to face the issues which will inevitably show up in other relationships, and doom them as well. (Look at the statistics which demonstrate that the grass is not greener.)
Choose a therapist who is skilled in couples work and the process of EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing). This will pull the negative energy out of the cells and leave you without the rancor that damages the soul. Learn the method of fail-safe communication - - then look each other in the eye as you become able to honestly assess your own contribution to the demise of your marriage. Leave the markers of your unhappy life behind you.
There is always the chance that, when you learn to speak your truth from the depths of your heart, your partner will feel "into" you again and rediscover the connection that was forged years before. Or you can move on into the rest of your life without more damage - respecting the time that was good and knowing that you are each imperfect human beings. Most importantly, your children will be learning from you. Give them a chance to grow up with self-respecting parents who free them to love. By doing this repair work first, and by using attorneys like those in this firm who seek a healthy outcome with appropriate (not unnecessary) financial costs, you will maximize your chances for a "Divorce without Remorse." You will respect you and so will your children.
Written by: Paula Susan, Masters' in Psychology and Clinical Social Work Relationship and Trauma Specialist, since 1982
www.paulasusan.com 856-638-1868
